But I thought it was.  I think we thought it was.  We thought we had it all figured out and we knew the solution right away.  To me, that solution didn’t feel right.  It was an argument that went on for a day and a half unsettled.  We stayed in bed for hours talking, crying, and being silent.  And then the cycle repeated.  We were both at fault for making mistakes.  We said we were sorry and we both forgave each other, but it was something that we couldn’t let go.  This is my way of doing it.


Going back a few months…
He did something behind my back twice.  The first time, I didn’t make a big deal about it because it was his birthday.  Who would want to fight with their girlfriend/boyfriend on their birthday?  So I let it go, not wanting to start anything. I was upset for a few reasons:

1. He told other people, but he couldn’t tell me straight up.
2. He relied on a friend of ours to tell me.
3. He made a promise before and he didn’t remember

I let it pass and I didn’t let it get to me that much.  Until it happened a second time.  Some of the reasons were the same except:

1. I was there when it happened.
2. I’m assuming he thought I wouldn’t notice
3. He still couldn’t tell me straight up.  I had to ask him.
4. Why couldn’t I do it too?

At this point, I wasn’t even mad.  I was disappointed and hurt.  A lot of things were running through my head:

• “Why couldn’t he tell me?”
• “Did he plan on telling me?”
• “Did he need it sooo bad that he had to do it behind my back while I was there?”

It wasn’t like I could tell him to stop doing it.  He made a promise before and that didn’t work out, so would it really be efficient to tell him to stop? When he goes out, how could I be sure that he would really pull through?  He did it behind my back twice, once when I was present.  It wouldn’t be hard to do it again when I won’t be around. 

~

Through our talks, tears, and silence, we finally figured out our problem. It was our trust in each other.  And my low trust in him, was caused by that problem.  I can’t let it bother me anymore.  It might take a while, but I have to let myself trust my boyfriend with these things so there won’t be any suspicions or accusations or any little voices in the back of my head telling me there’s a chance he’s lying.  What’s a relationship without trust, anyways?